I wish this post was about the brilliant Tarkovsky film Stalker- but it's not..
Stalking is a serious issue that I am going to write about in this post & I will also share my experience.
I know & I've gotten to know a few people who have suffered the abuse of stalking & stalking is a far more common problem than I realized.
A friend of mine who is very dear to me recently won a court case against their stalker & I am glad that for the first time in many years that they have some relief & that the law worked in their case & that justice was brought.
It's going on ten years that I have had to deal with a stalker, more on this later.
First I'd like to discuss the importance of a social code in our relations with other people that most of us understand.
In our lives we get to know & befriend others & a myriad of possible events occur in which we no longer wish to be in contact with another person or have them in our lives, or vice versa, to discontinue contact with others & move on with ones life is a basic human right-.
Generally, after such a dissolution of contact has occurred it is up to the parties involved to responsibly deal with any emotions they may have & respect the life, freedom & privacy of the other person.
I think that the most important part of the process of the maturation into adulthood (which I honestly think only happens in ones late 20's-) revolves around dealing with rejection, which all of us have experienced at one time or another (& likely will for the rest of our lives) & also, that one can never judge the life circumstances of another human being.
I think that perhaps the corporatization of our culture into irrational & consumptive ways of thinking- & relating to others ( materialism & 'the age of the thing', the objectification & abuse of men, women & children in the sex industry & the paparazzi/Tv/junkfood & commercial media/culture, etc) is at least partly (if not entirely) responsible for the rise in stalking & harassment incidents.
The UN is well aware that stalking is a serious issue as stated in this paper -
"Defining and measuring violence against women: Background, issues, and recommendations" from a meeting that took place in Geneva Switzerland- in April 2005:
"Specifically, future violence against women surveys should be designed to collect information not just on violent acts, such as physical assault, sexual assault, and threats of physical and sexual assault, but nonviolent acts, such as stalking and psychological and emotional abuse.
Information generated from the National Violence Against Women Survey (NVAWS) shows that stalking is much more prevalent than previously thought; and that victims of stalking suffer serious psychological and social consequences as a result of their victimization (Tjaden and Thoennes,1998)." Link (PDF)
My stalker is aware that my local police have an ongoing file on him & still he refuses to leave me alone.
I've been told to get a restraining order & I should- but it's legally complicated because my stalker has small children & I am certain that a restraining order & a case in court might result in his losing his children. So one obviously serious issue is I would be unintentionally intervening in the welfare of his children by protecting & defending myself.
So, I have a dilemma on my hands & this choice to make in that my stalker has twice used his small child to leave me messages in order to bait a response & is thus training his child to stalk me.
I had not contacted my stalker in over 9 years (you are understandably not- supposed to contact your stalker & I obviously never had the desire to) & recently tried to give my stalker the opportunity to stop infringing on my human rights. When I received a second message from his child I was positively fuming. I dialed his number, he answered in a warped tone of voice, & screaming- I told him that to use his child to get my attention, to stalk me- is wrong & that "it makes my blood boil" & that he should be aware that the local police have a file on him & that I obviously want nothing to do with him if I have not contacted him in almost ten years & I hung up. The call was a few seconds in duration.
I thought that perhaps this would bring him to his senses that he is not only abusing me but his child.
I had not been contacted by my stalker for a long period of time after this call & was finally able to forget my stalker & glad that perhaps- I would not have to get a restraining order & take my stalker to court.
I wonder, what it is that leads stalkers to create a delusional version of you, & what leads them to such abusive & irrational behavior.
It's obviously obsessive behavior & I am not unfamiliar with it.
I have also dealt with being harassed, bullied & abused on the net by someone in the arts scene here who has never seen my work in person & who I only had limited contact with.. I stopped posting at any Chicago arts blogs after 2006 - 2007 & am thus censored from my opinion as a way to avoid abuse & quite honestly to not involve myself in a majority of poorly monitored Chicago arts blogs that are rife with tacky & pleonastic gossip.
I was contacted by some of these blogs a few years later & told that my name would be removed from abusive & paranoid tangents made by this person, &- paranoid & abusive tangents projected towards me- yet, onto people who were not- me. I thought this insane, terrifying & obsessive. That someone would assume that everyone who disagreed with them was me & thus abuse my name & integrity further-.
I am truly grateful that these art blogs took the time to realize that this is intolerable, unacceptable & abusive behavior.
This person has since painted themselves into a corner as I am not the only victim of their abuses, I am on a long list of arts professionals who have been a victim of this person.
I also recently blocked them from my email because they emailed me out of the blue with bizarre threats as if I- am somehow responsible for their abusive behavior towards others & the fact that others have become fully aware that this individual is incredibly & consistently abusive towards other artists & individuals.
My stalker of almost ten years also stalks me on the net & after his mails I block him, I have all his emails saved for the police records/file on him.
He has also left me long messages on my answering machine & the police told me several years ago to save all his messages & they visited to listen to all of them, including the ones of his child asking me to contact my stalker & they made a record of them. The police were disgusted, had a lot to say, incredibly helpful, concerned about me (& as I, that child) & once again they tried to push for a restraining order & case against my stalker (at this point there is a surplus- of tangible evidence created by my stalker).
I write about & raise this issue now- because my stalker contacted me again today, via an email account through one of my online art files & of course this too will go to the police. I am mortified & appalled at my stalkers carelessness & immorality.
At this point in my life- this post is also a necessary & a cathartic expression of what many of us suffer not only randomly but for some of you on a day to day basis.
Stalking is treated as a taboo subject & it should not be, it is a selfish, sadistic & dangerous behavior, it is also dangerously misrepresented & stigmatized by corporate entities via products, advertisements, commercials & on social networking sites.
It is never- appropriate to stalk &/or harass another human being, to limit them, disrespect them, abuse them & control them- impinge on their privacy & rights. It is against the law-...
& now I have to spend time & energy seriously considering putting a restraining order on my stalker of almost ten years.
This will seriously & negatively impact his life.
I am not a revengeful person, I am respectful & discreet towards all people.
But- I do stand up for myself & though I am a stolid atheist, I do- believe in karma.
& compassion.
So- I copy & paste the message (name redacted) I received today from my stalker & answer it here, as a last chance for my stalker to go & get some help & see a psychiatrist, get appropriate care & attention for their problem & avoid an extremely damaging restraining order & prosecution- & to leave me alone as I asked almost ten years ago.:
"Message:
I am sorry
can we talk, please."
NO.
-
Links:
Stalking Resource Center- The National Center for Victims of Crime
Stalking Help
Cyberstalking The National Center for Victims of Crime
"Two Communities Respond to Stalking" - (video)
"SVS found that, within a 12-month period, approximately 3.4 million U.S. adults were victims of stalking. Of these victims:
* 11% of victims were stalked for 5 years or more
* Approximately 25% experienced some form of cyberstalking such as email or instant messaging
* 66.2% of stalking victims experienced unwanted phone calls or messages
* Nearly 75% of stalking victims knew their stalkers in some way
During the 12-month survey period, 14 of every 1,000 adults were victims of stalking."
Stalking
Support Group
"Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do."
&
"And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Nelson Mandela
(Thank you to my dearest friends for your love, wisdom & support...)
